写给单身者：婚姻不是一个使命
“你大错特错了,” 我纠正我的朋友, “我的确相信炼狱，那就是所谓的基督徒的单身。“
如果我之前认为这么说只是开玩笑，那么接下来的紧张的笑把我出卖了。我的确认为单身是一种炼狱。在我的经验里：大多数单身的并不想如此；如果你也是一样的处境，你也会祷告尽快脱离；并且已经脱离单身的基督徒会经常的提醒你：脱离单身最终都是对你好的。
从这一点看，单身一直是一种内在的挣扎。对婚姻和爱情的渴望，一直得不到任何满足，而且这种难受的滋味要被硬生生吞咽下去，因为就像我经常提醒其他人一样，我们有耶稣就足够了。
但是渐渐地，我开始厌倦做永远的电灯泡；
厌倦了在安静的星期五晚上，一直是独自一人；
厌倦了看到一个又一个的朋友撇弃我而与他们的配偶相聚；
厌倦了那种自己好像掉入夹缝中的感觉—即使是在耶稣的身体里；
还有厌倦了听到那些刻意的（即便是对的）劝告，他们随即就回到家中与妻子孩子团聚，却劝告我们要单单在上帝的里面得满足。
所以，我接下来的几年都是为了寻找她—我的好处（箴言18：22），荆棘里的百合花（雅歌2：2），我的珍珠，它的价值和美丽会使世界上所有的石头黯然失色。（箴言31：10）。我的存在就是为了找到她。不知名的她是一个奖赏，一个藏在地里的宝物，我心中的阿拉法、俄梅戛。
就像C.S.路易斯警告的那样，当我们把婚姻和爱情看做是上帝，它就会变成一个魔鬼。多年来，我坐在我虔诚的炼狱里，感到困惑、孤单并愧疚。为什么我不能够单单在基督里得到更多满足？
一、使命
直到有一天晚上，上帝温柔的与我面对面。
他教导我一些很简单的事情，但却是至关重要的：婚姻不是我的使命。她，在她所有的光芒之下，并不是我活着的理由。我的生命是为着祂而非她而活。相比婚姻我被赋予一个更高的使命。
1. 为了赢得灵魂
比起一个灵魂的失丧，一个约会关系的结束永远不会更摧毁我们。这个伟大的使命不关乎孤寂的灵魂，却关乎失丧的灵魂。
“天上地下所有的权柄都赐给我了，所以你们要去使万民做我的门徒，奉父子圣灵的名为他们施洗，反我所吩咐你们的都教训他们遵守。”（马太28：18-20）
我们有一个荣耀的使命—“未婚”的状态并不会使我们不够格。你总有一个角色去扮演。当黑暗四周环绕，真理的敌人聚集，每天都有灵魂默默滑向地狱。上帝颁布给我们的使命是使万国都传扬我们是“被宝血赎买的孩子”这个名字。这也将超越我们自设的使命，去全力获取一个人对我们名字的认识。
令人出乎意料的是，当我们效劳于祂的使命的时候，耶稣应许要解决我们孤单的问题：“看哪，我要常与你们同在，直到世界的末了。”
2. 服侍基督的新娘
耶稣为了新娘的荣耀而死 (以弗所书 5:25–27).
我们竭力地使教会变得美好是因为基督用他的宝血使她成为圣洁。迫切地追求成熟是一个集体的任务(以弗所书 4:11–16)。 我们用爱心说诚实话是为了建造她，使用我们的恩赐是为了坚固她，并且我们还要向彼此彰显出超凡的爱。
3. 敬拜上帝并享受祂
我们绝不可能很真实地告诉另一个罪人，“你使我完整。”他们现在不会，他们也不能，并且未来他们也不能。
难以捉摸的他或她并不是彩虹尽头的金子，也不是黄砖路尽头的奥兹。上帝因着祂极大的爱和喜乐创造了我们，而不是创造了环绕轨道的星球上的有限人类。祂为祂自己创造了我们。人类被造的终极目标不是嫁给他们自己，而是要嫁给他的上帝。在他的面前有满足的喜乐，在他的右手边有永远的福乐。(诗篇 16:11)。
你的配偶身上所有可爱的地方都是祂爱的回音：妻子的美丽，是祂美好的馨香之气；丈夫的爱和给予，也只是未来天国的一个缩影。
祂使我们完全。
二、当婚姻不是一项使命
我发现，当婚姻不再成为我的人生使命的时候，生活开始变得更好。我开始发现以下几个好处。
1. 单身却有更多满足
这样的满足并不是紧握双手，闭上双眼并祷告说，耶稣足够，耶稣足够。
与其坐在那里试图告诉自己：从孤单中走出来。我选择站起来并开始实践我的使命。我抓住任何一次和非信徒午餐的机会，享受和基督徒弟兄团契的时间，在祂的话语里长进，在校园中训练门徒。
漫无目的助长了孤单感，并且使单身者饱受折磨。因此，我开始利用更多时间去做上帝要我做的事情。而我们单身者将多数的呻吟归咎于没有婚姻，在我看来无非是因为生命的荒废而引起的灵里消化不良。耶稣有使你饥饿的灵魂得饱足的灵粮，也许你还没有体尝到：就是遵行我父的旨意，作成他的工。(约翰福音4:31–38).
2. 在约会中会有更多的分辨力
当你在实践使命时，一个与你一同实践使命的伙伴会更有吸引力。你会发现，对方是否美丽、迷人、经济能力和运动能力是否够强，在你实践使命时已经变得越来越无足轻重。当你因为你的一个弟兄离开主而心碎难安时，妻子是否是舞会皇后根本不重要。当你需要你的丈夫坐下来，有效地管教你的孩子时，他是否可以投掷六十码的足球根本无济于事。
3. 在生活之中溢出更多喜乐
保罗提醒我们，活着是为了基督，死了就有益处。（腓立比书1:21）活着不是为了结婚，活着不是为了养育孩子，活着不是为了找到“对的那个人。”活着是为了耶稣基督。在腓立比书1章23节，保罗正在两难之间，他想继续在地上的使命（活着），他也情愿与基督同在（离世）。
使命并不是一个可以逃避的炼狱，但却是一个史诗般的冒险的一部分。唯有结束生命的旅程才可以获得和耶稣面对面的机会。
奋起，单身的弟兄姊妹！
单身的弟兄姊妹，上帝看见了你的痛苦，他也知道你的孤独寂寞。 他自己就品尝过难以想象的孤独的滋味（马太福音27:46；诗篇22:1）他在你祈求以先就已知道你的需求（马太福音6:8）。你的头发他都数算过了，不经过他的允许，一根都不会掉在地上，而且他也要背负你所有的重担。（马太福音10:30；彼得前书5:6-7）上帝关心你的孤单灵魂。
但是，仍有恶龙要杀，灵魂要赢得，黑暗要去胜过（在我们肉身之中，还有在这个世界上）。尽管上帝关心我们灵魂的孤独，但是我们却力求实现更大的目标。重新发现基督徒的大使命的吸引力和紧急性远超过对婚姻的追求。
童话故事的美好结局，还有白马王子还未来到。不要因为结婚或未婚而放弃那种童心般的婚姻期望，我们没有经历过所有婚姻点的婚礼。让我们一起和William Merrill唱：
Rise up, O [singles] of God,
Have done with lesser things.
Give heart, and soul, and mind, and strength
To serve the King of kings!
奋起，上帝（的单身）子民，放下次要事务，
尽心，尽性，尽意，尽力，服事万王之王。
奋起，上帝子民，促成天国来临，
赶快复兴，相亲相爱，除掉罪恶黑暗。
奋起，上帝子民，教会需你力量，
她责任重，她力量薄，奋起使她振兴。
奋起，耶稣弟兄，当随主脚踪行，
高高举起基督十架，奋起，上帝子民。
作者：Greg Morse
翻译：吕程凯、谢璇
来源：desiringGod.org
以下是英文原文：
“You’re quite wrong,” I corrected my friend, “I do believe in purgatory. It’s called Christian singleness.”
If I thought I meant it merely in jest, the nervous laugh that followed gave me away. I did think singleness was a kind of purgatory. In my experience: most who were there didn’t choose to be; if you were there, you prayed to leave soon; and Christians who had escaped constantly reminded you that it’s ultimately for your good.
To that point, singleness had been the silent struggle. Any unmet desire for marital love had to be swallowed because, as I often reminded others, Jesus was enough.
But secretly, I was growing tired of being the perpetual third-wheel. I was tired of enduring quiet Friday nights alone. I was tired of watching friend after friend leave their mother, father, and me behind to unite with their spouse. I was tired of feeling like I’ve fallen through the cracks — even in the body of Christ. And I was tired of hearing the well-intentioned (and even correct) exhortations to be satisfied in the Lord alone — from those who then go home to their wife and children.
So, I lived the next few years searching for her — my good thing (Proverbs 18:22), my lily among brambles (Song 2:2), my jewel, whose worth and beauty would make all of earth’s stones blush (Proverbs 31:10). I lived to find her. The faceless she was the prize, the treasure hidden in the field, my heart’s alpha and omega.
And, as C.S. Lewis warned, marital love became a demon because I made her into a god. And because God denied me Eve, I, unlike Adam, declared things to be not good. For years I sat in my pious purgatory, feeling confused, alone, and guilty. Why wasn’t I more content in Christ alone?
The Mission
But then one night God gently confronted me.
He taught me something so simple, yet so revolutionary: marriage was not my mission. She, in all her glory, was not why I breathed. My life was to be lived for Him, not her. I was commissioned with a higher mission than matrimony.
1. To win souls.
The death of a dating relationship should never devastate us more than the death of the lost. The Great Commission does not deal with lonely souls but lost souls:
“All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.” (Matthew 28:18–20)
We have a glorious commission — one from which an “unmarried” status does not disqualify us. Bachelor Baggins, you have a part to play. Darkness surrounds, enemies of the truth amass, and souls slip quietly into hell every day. God’s mission is that the nations share our name of “blood-bought child,” and this trumps our mission to secure one person sharing our last name.
And ironically, when we labor on his mission, Jesus promises to deal with our lonely souls: “And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
2. To serve Christ’s bride.
Jesus died to make his bride resplendent (Ephesians 5:25–27).
We strive to beautify the church because Christ secured her holiness by his blood. Pressing towards this maturity is a group project (Ephesians 4:11–16). We speak the truth in love to build her up, use our gifts to strengthen her, and show otherworldly love towards one another.
3. To worship God and enjoy him.
We can never truthfully tell another sinner, “You complete me.” They don’t. They can’t. They won’t.
The elusive he or she is not our pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, not our Oz at the end of the yellow brick road. God has made us for greater love and joy than can orbit around the planet of a finite human being. He has made us for himself. Humanity was not ultimately made to be married to itself but to its God. In his presence is fullness of joy; at his right hand are pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16:11).
All that is lovely in a spouse is but an echo of his loveliness: the beauty of a wife, a faint scent of his beauty; the love and provision of a husband; only a blur of coming realities.
He completes us.
When Marriage Is Not the Mission
And I found that life works better when marriage was not my mission. I discovered the following benefits.
1. More Contentment in Singleness
Contentment didn’t come by merely clenching my fists, closing my eyes, and whispering, Jesus is enough, Jesus is enough.
Instead of sitting around trying to talk myself out of loneliness, I got up and went on mission. I grabbed lunch with non-believers, pursued time with Christian brothers, grew in knowledge of his word, and discipled men on campus.
Purposelessness feeds loneliness and makes singleness torture. So, I filled more of my time with what God called me to. Much of what we singles mistake for groanings for marriage is, in my estimation, none other than the soul indigestion of a wasted life. Jesus has bread for your hungry soul that you may not be currently tasting: doing your Father’s will by laboring in his harvest (John 4:31–38).
2. More Discernment in Dating
When you are on mission, a partner who is also on mission becomes more attractive. Beauty and charm, finances and athletic prowess all become more and more irrelevant as you embark on mission. Whether your wife was prom queen will not matter when you’re heartbroken over one of your brothers walking away from the Lord. Whether your husband can throw a football sixty yards will be inconsequential when you need him to sit down and graciously discipline your children.
Dating becomes a feeder for mission, an enlisting of another for cavalry to charge the gates of hell beside you. Look for someone ferocious for the things of the Lord.
3. More Joy in Living
Paul reminds us that to live is Christ, to die is gain (Philippians 1:21). To live is not to marry. To live is not to raise children. To live is not to find “the one.” To live is Jesus Christ. In Philippians 1:23, Paul was hard pressed between the thought of continuing to live on mission (to live) and being with Christ (to die).
Mission was not a purgatory to escape from, but an epic adventure to be a part of. Departure from this journey was only gain because it leads to seeing Jesus face to face.
Rise Up, O Singles of Our God!
Singles, God sees your pain, he knows your loneliness (Hebrews 4:15). He has felt a loneliness that you cannot imagine (Matthew 27:46; cf. Psalm 22:1). He knows your needs before you can even ask him (Matthew 6:8). He knows the current number of hairs on your head and tenderly bids you draw near and cast all your burdens upon his fatherly shoulders (Matthew 10:30; 1 Peter 5:6–7). God cares about your lonely soul.
But there are dragons to slay, souls to win, and darkness to fight (in ourselves and in the world). Although God cares about our lonely soul, we strive towards a larger goal. Rediscover the beauty and urgency of the Christian mission over and above marriage.
The time for fairy tale endings and Prince Charmings is not yet. Don’t forsake that childlike anticipation for matrimony because, married or unmarried, none of us has yet experienced the wedding to which all matrimony points. May we sing with William Merrill:
Rise up, O [singles] of God,
Have done with lesser things.
Give heart, and soul, and mind, and strength
To serve the King of kings!
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